Practicing to be an Earth Goddess

ugh, or just another random mind dump.
April 2, 2008, 10:52 am
Filed under: gender

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep.

Tonight’s trans support group was horrible. I totally ranted for what seems like a page, and then was like wait, everything in trans support group is confidential, so I shouldn’t even discuss the topics, but uhm ohh my goddess. I am SOOOO DONE with trans support groups. I haven’t felt even remotely supported there in a LONG time. I was going for new people, to help support them, and give them a different perspective on being trans. But uhm, I realized that it’s not really a great place for new people and I just don’t want to be a part of it.

I think this is the first time I’ve left a community because of my emotions. Not sure how I feel about that.

There was a huge paragraph here explaining this next sentence, but it involves another person so I yanked it. Confusion seems to be my new ‘now’ word. Perhaps someday I’ll understand all these emotions and feelings. Maybe? Hopefully? Probably not.

I felt some compersion about my friends successes recently. great stuff. No details on their successes here tho, sorry.

I’m scared/worried/stressed/freaked out about my trip to Atlanta. It’s the south, and I’ve only ever heard horror stories from the south. I’m worried I may not come back. I’m worried my talk is going to totally, totally suck. It’s my first talk to the sex community. Luckily I feel comfortable in front of people, and feel confident with the public speaking portion. It’s the content (it’s totally a new topic here in sex land it seems.) and I SOOO look up to these people, they are such amazing great people, and I just know they are going to laugh at me. I also have the feeling I’ll be the token tranny at this event.

Some friends said I should try to attend the pole dancing class (I really want to learn), on their advice I asked about it. I was denied. The person I asked was really great, and I still totally respect her, tho I got the feeling she really has no idea what to do with me in general. Helps firm up the token tranny thing. I was going to offer to help with registration, but perhaps it would only make her more awkward and I shouldn’t bother. gah, being a freak from societies perspective really sucks. It was the first time I tried to go to a women-only advertised event. I’ve learned my lesson it seems.

I asked the organizer about trans friendliness. She said well it’s all kinda in the glbt center of town, but I hear SF is way more supportive and ok about stuff. I get yelled at, stared at, etc regularly in SF.. What is in store for me in atlanta? I totally dressed butchy in chicago, and I got stares. Nobody yelled at me which was nice, but one restaurant was hesitant to serve me(it was a swank restaurant and I was wearing a dress and jeans that day and was alone)… I was also in boystown or something, and was pretty much always with at least one other person (and everyone I was with was totally gorgeous). I never really felt unsafe in chicago, like I do regularly in the bay area.

I’m finding it much harder to write about ME, and not include some detail about other people. This is hard, how do I respect their privacy and not disclose themselves, while still talking about me. gah. I dunno.

I had a dream about marrying this amazing person, and having a baby with them. (they currently really want a baby this year) yikes. I mean I totally love this person, but we are not 100% compatible. I totally want a baby, but our relationship is currently totally non-sexual, and I don’t know this person very well.

I got texted earlier from someone I care about a great deal with a supportive message. totally made my day, and I really needed it. Thank you!

ok, I’m trying for sleep again.

sweet dreams.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

To be honest I am not sure how much you know about the person who probably denied you, I can fill you in elsewhere. While I don’t know enough to judge her actions I do know enough to know that it may be about her issues as much as it is about you and that you might not want to take it particularly personally.

Among gay folks it’s pretty well accepted here — I don’t really have a frame of reference other than the South though. The “lesbian community” here is particularly friendly to transmen. I swear to god Femme Mafia parties are starting to look more and more like straight girl parties (with, you know, an unusual number of short young-looking men curiously lacking in facial hair, and an extra layer of fabulousness). There’s a lot of gender play in drag/burlesque performances. Much to my chagrin cause I like my girls ambiguous, most of the MTF transpeople are in the gay community or ID as CD/TS.

However, I’m sure you’ve heard the horror stories about the “transvestitutes” (search this term on YouTube to see one man’s campaign against them) in Midtown. There really is violence out there. On the other hand there’s a wonderful awareness agency called LaGender (google it to find out more about the founder), and there’s two or three support groups.

Yeah after a while I started to feel done with trans partner support groups because I always felt like the token queer girl who was dating an MTF. I was constantly calming the newbie straight girls who would show up “omg my husband is transitioning does that make me t3h ghey?” And I didn’t feel like I had that much in common with the people dating FTMs. It was after a support meeting that was ENTIRELY spent discussing the micropolitics of top surgery in Atlanta that I decided I was done.

Comment by muse carmona

Thanks for the support! While I AM a trans person,(genderqueer, TS, birl, whatever..) most trans people don’t take me as one of theirs, because passing is not my priority. I don’t take estrogen. I just happen to be a male-bodied female.

That’s good to know! I apparently was just in the wrong part of town! What you say is pretty true here as well, the lesbian community accepts FTM’s, but are semi-intolerant(but nicely) of the MTF’s. I agree that FTM’s definitely have an extra layer of fabulousness!

Ugh, yes that is evil. Somebody needs to stop that guy. I wish LaGender luck!

Wow! Trans partner support groups don’t exist here. I don’t have anything in common with the trans community for the most part, except that I also happen to be a trans person 🙂

Yea, new MTF trannies are crazy wacky, I think their hormones wack them around, and they have to get used to being oppressed, and not having male privilege anymore. It’s a hard pill to swallow. It seems most around here come from the extreme male-privileged camp to boot.

That sounds kinda mean, I don’t mean it that way 🙂

Comment by compassiontara

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