Practicing to be an Earth Goddess

ugh, or just another random mind dump.
April 2, 2008, 10:52 am
Filed under: gender

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep.

Tonight’s trans support group was horrible. I totally ranted for what seems like a page, and then was like wait, everything in trans support group is confidential, so I shouldn’t even discuss the topics, but uhm ohh my goddess. I am SOOOO DONE with trans support groups. I haven’t felt even remotely supported there in a LONG time. I was going for new people, to help support them, and give them a different perspective on being trans. But uhm, I realized that it’s not really a great place for new people and I just don’t want to be a part of it.

I think this is the first time I’ve left a community because of my emotions. Not sure how I feel about that.

There was a huge paragraph here explaining this next sentence, but it involves another person so I yanked it. Confusion seems to be my new ‘now’ word. Perhaps someday I’ll understand all these emotions and feelings. Maybe? Hopefully? Probably not.

I felt some compersion about my friends successes recently. great stuff. No details on their successes here tho, sorry.

I’m scared/worried/stressed/freaked out about my trip to Atlanta. It’s the south, and I’ve only ever heard horror stories from the south. I’m worried I may not come back. I’m worried my talk is going to totally, totally suck. It’s my first talk to the sex community. Luckily I feel comfortable in front of people, and feel confident with the public speaking portion. It’s the content (it’s totally a new topic here in sex land it seems.) and I SOOO look up to these people, they are such amazing great people, and I just know they are going to laugh at me. I also have the feeling I’ll be the token tranny at this event.

Some friends said I should try to attend the pole dancing class (I really want to learn), on their advice I asked about it. I was denied. The person I asked was really great, and I still totally respect her, tho I got the feeling she really has no idea what to do with me in general. Helps firm up the token tranny thing. I was going to offer to help with registration, but perhaps it would only make her more awkward and I shouldn’t bother. gah, being a freak from societies perspective really sucks. It was the first time I tried to go to a women-only advertised event. I’ve learned my lesson it seems.

I asked the organizer about trans friendliness. She said well it’s all kinda in the glbt center of town, but I hear SF is way more supportive and ok about stuff. I get yelled at, stared at, etc regularly in SF.. What is in store for me in atlanta? I totally dressed butchy in chicago, and I got stares. Nobody yelled at me which was nice, but one restaurant was hesitant to serve me(it was a swank restaurant and I was wearing a dress and jeans that day and was alone)… I was also in boystown or something, and was pretty much always with at least one other person (and everyone I was with was totally gorgeous). I never really felt unsafe in chicago, like I do regularly in the bay area.

I’m finding it much harder to write about ME, and not include some detail about other people. This is hard, how do I respect their privacy and not disclose themselves, while still talking about me. gah. I dunno.

I had a dream about marrying this amazing person, and having a baby with them. (they currently really want a baby this year) yikes. I mean I totally love this person, but we are not 100% compatible. I totally want a baby, but our relationship is currently totally non-sexual, and I don’t know this person very well.

I got texted earlier from someone I care about a great deal with a supportive message. totally made my day, and I really needed it. Thank you!

ok, I’m trying for sleep again.

sweet dreams.